Choral performances can be sacrifices too

A couple years ago I decided to start studying guitar to palliate the feeling of being a frustrated professional musician (started the sax degree at the same time as the law degree but I had to drop it due to my father). Thing is that amongst the joy of playing great repertoire such as "Torija" from Alejandro Torroba, Brouwer's Etude nº6 and Antonio Lauro's "Tríptico", I got to join a choir.

How come? Well, at the start of the current school year at the music school, I had this "choir" subject, and as I am a basso profundo, it wasn't possible for me to sing amongst the children that were there, so the teacher told me to join my town's choir. I spoke to the director and ever since I've been training my voice, making friends and learning/memorizing repertoire, mainly religious one, which was a plus (Pange lingua, lacrimosa, miserere mei deus, anima christi and so on).

We usually perform at mass or in concert rooms, but today was different.

We had a concert for a celebration of a big corporation, and we sang at a big restaurant some light songs to somewhat drunk boomers and "charos". When I found out I was petrified of horror and anxiety. It felt SO humiliating. Not only because I believe music should be something sacred, mystical even, that should produce a deep effect on us, but also because I have an image to preserve as a lawyer; I do not like to be that way, but I have to, and being filmed while singing was terrifying, as I think that the people who would recognize me later wouldn't want to hire my services, and maybe colleges will dox me before even checking my cv.

I was fucked up, trying to dissociate during the whole concert and trying to hide from the cameras. I was sweating rivers.

It finally ended, and I had the chance to talk to the choir director as we offered to bring me and other two guys home. During the car ride, I was told that those people had pay a considerable sum of money to the choir to fund it's travels and activities, and that this concert was actually a way of thanking them.

Still I was feeling restless, but then as we spoke, I realized that almost everyone at the car, specially the director, were as uncomfortable as I am, but they knew this was for the greater good. As the director said, "once you join a choir, it becomes a part of your DNI; this will become like a second family", and I had experienced that already in the 8 months I've been a part of it.

This was, in a way, like taking care of my own little ones; sacrificing myself (gently, let's be honest) for them to have travels and things I won't be able to enjoy for the most part as I'll be working. This was a taste of renouncing to your sense of pride and shame, to be a part of something greater as a key piece.

I realized about all of this, and while I still have a strange feeling in my gut and worrisome thoughts in my mind, I experienced something relevant, and also saw in the director the figure of someone who built something from scratch, without getting paid, who has sacrificed years of his life learning how to teach people how to sing in multiple languages, weekends of effort and put everything he had alongside his most close relatives. I've got a new example to look towards.