Under The Juniper Tree

 The fact that these entries have become a weekly thing instead of a daily one is both a good and a bad thing; it means that I am no longer losing my mind and descending to madness, but also that I have less energy or time to stop and write, or less things to say. This month has been good;  I got some good clients' money, I managed to close some cases, I spent time buying this for my future home and went to see my fiancée while I play some guitar and summer comes in. And yet, I feel restless. This week I received some court papers and I got the anxiety wave of my life; it was nothing like I've ever faced before; I couldn't sleep, I had a deep noise coming out of my head and I woke up several times jumping and being alert, like if I was about to be killed. The morning afterwards I had to face it and provide a solution to it, a solution that will be tested at court next Tuesday. This traumatic event made me realize something; I don't have what it takes to be a lawyer. I a...

It's been a quiet week. Not in the literal sense, as I had a lot of anxiety due to the law firm and cases that needed solutions and last monday I injured my neck due to bad posture and a 11h + working schedule (which I won't ever replicate if it's not a life or death situation), but in the inner one.  Just having to go with the flow, working on little things and having a "normal life" for a zoomer who started his little bussiness 20 months ago is truly relaxing; no greenhouse, waking up early but not super early, no physical pain for the most part, getting back to my daily rosary and being able to use internet as a conscious mechanism to kill time rather than a necessity feels real good. My relationship with God has quieted, the struggle is real but now only regards the usual struggle for someone my age; the pain is still there, the shoe insoles haven't arrived, the college didn't call for me to work for them yet, but I can only wait and keep working which...

 Yesterday was objectively a good day in IceCube's terms; I went shopping to the grocery store which I enjoy as it is a simple task I do with my mother at the phone telling me what we need for the week and soon that will be over, then I called my grandma and told her if she wanted to go with me to the "mercadillo"; a popular market of nomads who roam from town to town building "chambaos" (small structures of metal sticks and plastic as ceiling) and usually have good things at a really good price if you know what you are willing to buy and don't let yourself get scammed, to what she responded with a sound yes.  I left the groceries at home and then walked to my grandmother's house, left there some things I bought for her and we went for the mercadillo with her nurse. I actually had a blast; this person is a colombian woman in her mid to late thirties, funny, energetic and caring with grandma; she takes pictures of her and gramps which are real treasures I...

I do not have the strength to write a full entry; I am currently at bed, writing from my phone. This day was so significant that I cannot resist the urge to put how I feel into words. I feel calm, peaceful even, but fundamentally tired, exhausted, depleted. These days have been too much. As for the appointment, I drew things on Krita over pictures of my feets and that alongside my explanations and the medical report seem to be enough. Sound corrections will be made. My body will scream again, but this time, it will have a meaning. Rain didn't fire. In fact, I will have to wait around a week and a half to get the new insoles with the corrections. I am a bit scared, but there is nothing I can do now.  When I exit the appointment I felt happy, but tired, soooo tired, and I've spent the afternoon doing basically anything. Old Man, you Dog, you have done it again I guess.  Thank you, now let's see if the insoles heal me for good. FIAT

 Today is May 14th, ascension Thursday, and the day before my life potentially changes for good. It was a regular day, a client called, I did some paperwork, I dot anxious about an unsolved procedure I have to figure out not knowing how, etc. I also went to mass, waiting for my priest friend to bless me, which he did, using the ancient latin rite.  After that I went home and played a little bit of Crash Bandicoot at the new laptop using a PS1 emulator. It reminds me of my childhood and like to revisit the original trilogy once in a while. My favorite was Crash Bandicoot 2. I remember going to some elders' house as a kid and spending time with them with my grandma, and telling them about Crash; the plants, the river levels, the ice levels, etc. I spent the afternoons my parents let me playing it and some other pirate games as there wasn't money for real copies as I was an outcast. I had to change school 4 times because I was bullied; when I was 2 years almost 3 I had to take my...

 I don't exactly know what to write about. This has become a method for self-regulation and venting, of talking with myself and understand who I am through a paused, mythical and somewhat comical exercise of introspection.  I've been thinking about many things these days; how did I accepted a fate that was contrary to what I wanted, how the old friends banished while I feel stagnant and stuck, how the circumstances forced me to be reckless regarding my job when I never wanted to be a public face to advertise or worry about and would have like to spend 2-3 years on a law firm to get the basics and not suffer this much, on how the Gyro persona was born, because, prior to Gyro, I was someone else. I was 18, depressed as my girlfriend at that time cheated on my and I didn't pass the sax test to enter where I wanted to. I was devastated; I had to move to a city with no acquaintances nor close people to study a degree I hated an not have the sax degree teacher I wanted but rather...

 Two and a half days remaining. Today the new pc arrived. 3 new clients since the page dropped. The SEO is working, the page is doing its working, I'm earning money, the PhD is, slowly, closer to an end. The choir is choiring. The friends are friending, the Church is churching, and God is Goding. My fiancée is coming in less than 3 weeks. Then, why am I feeling so empty?  I have no clue. These days have been an oportunity to think about myself, about the person I've become and how the law degree and the illness have fundamentally changed me, and if I like the current state of affairs and what it cost to be herein. Truth is, that while the prospects of earning money are good, the responsibility isn't, and I don't really want people telling me their problems, nor to bear with them. I have enough by my own. I don't strive for a great income, even when I do like what it does represents (success/excellence) in the old town's mindset. I just want a quiet life being si...

These days have been an absolute madnes, I wasn't able to really concentrate on anything in particular as the pressure of May 15th and its consequences both to my physical state and my relationship with God became unhingedly madning. What if He doesn't answer? What if the recover never happens? What if I'm just becoming paranoid focusing over and over on the thing that has defined myself for half a decade now? I've been distracted, like really. I went to seek noise and other scapism methods as the waiting became unbearable, and the events within it more powerful and meaningful to a mind at the end of it's wit and a body tired of fighting. Today, for example, I went to sing with the choir to a wedding and I was totally on my word, even using the phone at mass trying to decide  which Linux distro should I use on the laptop I bought today at 5 am. I know I'm convoluting a lot of things, but I'm on 2,5 hours on sleep and feeling the urge to write this down as a ...

 A couple days have passed, my body is still hurt from therapy, the victory got deluted into the issues of daily life chores, and here I am, sitting still, waiting for the still small voice to come and get me on May 15th. I've been feeling good for the past few days, at peace, going to guitar lessons, attending clients, getting the bull by the horns regarding the phd, but still, I was feeling empty. I am going to live out of my parent's house soon, I have good working prospects, a receeding illnes, a loving wife and an small but kindhearted group of friends alongside a choir where I feel like I belong. The why am I feeling down all of sudden? I think it's due to expectations and reality not being enough; not having enough stability, potential clients who bother me and make me work to later flee away when the budget fee comes in, an illness that is still giving me some war, a life I didn't chose fully. I feel lost, surrounded by a world I do not belong to, worried about ...

I remember years ago, waking one day with an enormous pain through my body, being unable to walk, to sit still, to be scared, calling my parents and going to the doctor only to be prescribed painkillers. That day of 2021 my life changed. Little I knew how much was I about to suffer. A pleyad of doctors came after that without any solution besides stronger painkillers and burning money. I was unable to train like I did for so many years. I started gaining weight, hating myself for the situation I was in and the pressure it put onto me to resolve it, as no one seemed to care. From this dark night whose end is about to come, I want to bring two remembrances: The first, was me, almost blind and drugged due to the myriad of medicines I was taking, after going to a college exam with a friend of mine carrying me and passing it out of sheer will, lying in two chairs while answering through voice the questions. That night I was desperated, I was almost consumed by the madness this kind of situa...

I am so nervous about tomorrow; I've spent the whole weekend thinking about it, trying to kill time, fixing the website, singing with the choir, visiting my parents, sometimes present, sometimes not. Yesterday I wasn't able to sleep and I got to bed today at 6 am. I made my bed, took a shower and worked a bit until I went visiting my grandparents. It mesmerizes me every time; we don't have much to talk about besides ordinary things. Today my grandmother in a green broken sweater was telling me about how her nurse gifted her a money plant, totally excited. I've had this omen of 2026 being the year this punishment would be over for a long time now, and so far I've only experienced massive improvements when it comes to my health. This can be the end of this yuga; I will go and live with my fiancée, there is a real possibility of getting a college work, things are going my way for once, slowly, stubbornnessly, but going nonetheless.  Their house is simple, full of pictu...

 Life has become calmer now; no greenhouse, little work from the law firm besides some paperwork and clients here and there, I don't have any congress in the foreseeable future nor book chapters to write and articles are a thing I'll have to worry about from july onward. Also, the spiritual crisis got solved (?); I have no clue about where I am, but I feel at peace. I don't exactly belong within the Church's framework but I feel like I belong somewhere, and that's a good place to stay, plus I feel like I've reconciled with many things. As for God, the tension is still there, I still don't know what is He nor how or why does He act, but still, it's like that's not a problem anymore. I have to rely in my own capabilities as long as I cannot command to make it rain fire, and I think I've made a comparison as to an earthly father preparing his son to face the world; sometimes He's got to be cruel or let things happen, or he just can't prevent...