Under the juniper tree

 A couple days have passed, my body is still hurt from therapy, the victory got deluted into the issues of daily life chores, and here I am, sitting still, waiting for the still small voice to come and get me on May 15th.

I've been feeling good for the past few days, at peace, going to guitar lessons, attending clients, getting the bull by the horns regarding the phd, but still, I was feeling empty. I am going to live out of my parent's house soon, I have good working prospects, a receeding illnes, a loving wife and an small but kindhearted group of friends alongside a choir where I feel like I belong. The why am I feeling down all of sudden?

I think it's due to expectations and reality not being enough; not having enough stability, potential clients who bother me and make me work to later flee away when the budget fee comes in, an illness that is still giving me some war, a life I didn't chose fully. I feel lost, surrounded by a world I do not belong to, worried about meaning and beauty while content, and specially music are becoming AI-generated slope at a flabbergasting rate to increase profit, where people do not want to belong nor to have roots. 

Still, this entry won't be me complaining and playing the victim (entirely).

This situation, to feel down after a great feat such as finally figuring out most if not all the issues my body had and getting a potential date for full healing, this great victory, made me understand Elijah's suicidal cry even more.

Until now I've been working and struggling against SEO, an unchosen career path, illness, getting to jump into the void unknowing about the spanish legal system in practice without anyone to really support me until I get confident enough, etc, and after finally this pivotal event happened, I felt the strain and tiredness I have been accumulating during all these years. I know this is how life is, that no one is going to give me anything if I do not join a political party, bow to someone or join the freemasonry, and still, it's hard, it's mostly unfair, and specially when it comes to the law firm, it feels like playing a casino; each month I depend on the algorithm to show me to people, to clients to magically come and trust me, and that, for now, doesn't happen as often as I'd like. I am prepared, I am way above the average when it comes to capabily and raw knowledge, and still it doesn't matter, and it feels humiliating.

The ordinary after the extraordinary can also be punishment; an act of grounding, of accepting reality, of joy to be converted into a remembrance as soon as something new arrives and the fear and uncertainty towards future and the remembrance of the old days kicks in.

Still, I won't beg God to kill me. I have to endure. I have to overcome. I have to conquer the yuga.

A couple days ago I went to mass. My priest friend was there, and like a hunter waiting for its pray, I stayed at the church after mass to greet him alone. Our friendship is a kind one, he genuinely worries about me, and I try to be as honest as possible, debating with him with my whole wit and soul onto it.

The church went empty, the lights went almost all out, we sat at the gooden sits that are close to the sagrary. And then I went all out.

With calmness and a full smile I started laughting, as I knew that the things I had to say would anger my friend, and maybe Him too.

I started with the Chuch; on how I hated the new mass, on how our faith has been depleted of depth, mysticism and rituals, on how the parish people were mostly elders, on how I hated the Church as a political proxy for the cayetanos.

He tried to answer and I blasted him with more of it. Why did our Church tried to kill and consider a heretic the greatest mystics of our tradition? Why are you offering me a loser's mindset regarding the current state of affairs? How come we cannot do anything? We shall rebel against the bishop and celebrate the old mass!

He answered me: Even if your Mother is a whore, she will always be your Mother, no matter what. 

Then I went with the theodicy thing that was bugging me, why is God an absent Father? Why do the Psalms and the Bible lie when it comes to "ask and it shall be given"? Why is He silent?

Then the theology came; He acts at His time, maybe not in this life but through salvation, that I am way better than many ill people from the third world...

And I cut him. I do not care about salvation if I am being miserable. I cannot and will not surrender to Someone who seems to not care or not listen to what I have to say regarding my own life. I am far from perfect, but even when ill, even when angry at this God of us, I am still here, because He's as real as I am, and I cannot deny the Truth. I will take my blessing by force if I have to. I refuse to be a pawn.

The talk continued for a while, we went out of the church and we said goodbye to each other.

Before leaving, he told me that "God didn't have the need to act on your command".

-"Neither do I have the need to belong to His church. He's got until May 15th".

-"I will pray for it, remind it to me"

- "Be with God".