Under The Juniper Tree

These days have been an absolute madnes, I wasn't able to really concentrate on anything in particular as the pressure of May 15th and its consequences both to my physical state and my relationship with God became unhingedly madning. What if He doesn't answer? What if the recover never happens? What if I'm just becoming paranoid focusing over and over on the thing that has defined myself for half a decade now? I've been distracted, like really. I went to seek noise and other scapism methods as the waiting became unbearable, and the events within it more powerful and meaningful to a mind at the end of it's wit and a body tired of fighting. Today, for example, I went to sing with the choir to a wedding and I was totally on my word, even using the phone at mass trying to decide  which Linux distro should I use on the laptop I bought today at 5 am. I know I'm convoluting a lot of things, but I'm on 2,5 hours on sleep and feeling the urge to write this down as a ...

 A couple days have passed, my body is still hurt from therapy, the victory got deluted into the issues of daily life chores, and here I am, sitting still, waiting for the still small voice to come and get me on May 15th. I've been feeling good for the past few days, at peace, going to guitar lessons, attending clients, getting the bull by the horns regarding the phd, but still, I was feeling empty. I am going to live out of my parent's house soon, I have good working prospects, a receeding illnes, a loving wife and an small but kindhearted group of friends alongside a choir where I feel like I belong. The why am I feeling down all of sudden? I think it's due to expectations and reality not being enough; not having enough stability, potential clients who bother me and make me work to later flee away when the budget fee comes in, an illness that is still giving me some war, a life I didn't chose fully. I feel lost, surrounded by a world I do not belong to, worried about ...

I remember years ago, waking one day with an enormous pain through my body, being unable to walk, to sit still, to be scared, calling my parents and going to the doctor only to be prescribed painkillers. That day of 2021 my life changed. Little I knew how much was I about to suffer. A pleyad of doctors came after that without any solution besides stronger painkillers and burning money. I was unable to train like I did for so many years. I started gaining weight, hating myself for the situation I was in and the pressure it put onto me to resolve it, as no one seemed to care. From this dark night whose end is about to come, I want to bring two remembrances: The first, was me, almost blind and drugged due to the myriad of medicines I was taking, after going to a college exam with a friend of mine carrying me and passing it out of sheer will, lying in two chairs while answering through voice the questions. That night I was desperated, I was almost consumed by the madness this kind of situa...

I am so nervous about tomorrow; I've spent the whole weekend thinking about it, trying to kill time, fixing the website, singing with the choir, visiting my parents, sometimes present, sometimes not. Yesterday I wasn't able to sleep and I got to bed today at 6 am. I made my bed, took a shower and worked a bit until I went visiting my grandparents. It mesmerizes me every time; we don't have much to talk about besides ordinary things. Today my grandmother in a green broken sweater was telling me about how her nurse gifted her a money plant, totally excited. I've had this omen of 2026 being the year this punishment would be over for a long time now, and so far I've only experienced massive improvements when it comes to my health. This can be the end of this yuga; I will go and live with my fiancée, there is a real possibility of getting a college work, things are going my way for once, slowly, stubbornnessly, but going nonetheless.  Their house is simple, full of pictu...

 Life has become calmer now; no greenhouse, little work from the law firm besides some paperwork and clients here and there, I don't have any congress in the foreseeable future nor book chapters to write and articles are a thing I'll have to worry about from july onward. Also, the spiritual crisis got solved (?); I have no clue about where I am, but I feel at peace. I don't exactly belong within the Church's framework but I feel like I belong somewhere, and that's a good place to stay, plus I feel like I've reconciled with many things. As for God, the tension is still there, I still don't know what is He nor how or why does He act, but still, it's like that's not a problem anymore. I have to rely in my own capabilities as long as I cannot command to make it rain fire, and I think I've made a comparison as to an earthly father preparing his son to face the world; sometimes He's got to be cruel or let things happen, or he just can't prevent...

 So, during these days some things happened inwards and outwards.  Outwards I got a new client, had a good time at guitar lessons and ended the pepper season for good (we have been dealing with really bad weather and waking up super early to prepare things for the next harvest), and while I was doing so, I stopped the headphones, the noise, to, even under the rain, even with my full body covered in earth and spiderwebs, enjoy the last moments of peace and quiet; the sound of the water droplets on the plastic, the "petricor" smell, being able to just work with the sole goal of a warm shower and resting until evening. The office work has been bearable too; I've started using AI tools to modify my website and learn about SEO, the seeds are being planted, and eventually I get that stable money flow, or so I hope. The thing is that I also finished a book chapter for a law book and now all that remains for the week is to make a couple calls and a budget alongside keeping the wo...

I do not know how to start this entry really, lots of things happened and nothing happened at the same time. I am currently listening to Torija, from Torroba, one of my favorite guitar pieces ever. It feels like home. I even wrote a poem for it: "Allá en mi hogar, hay una flor, que se alza bajo el cielo añil. Ella me vio nacer y crecer,  hasta que del lugar me fui. Aquella flor, hoy ya no está, al yo no estar, se marchitó. Al yo volver a aquel lugar, solo su recuerdo pude encontrar".  This morning I woke up to my priest friend's messages telling me to just go with the flow, to allow suffering and offer it. I know his intentions were good, that he was giving me the very same theology I've been reading about and even posted here before. But I've realized that that's not for me. I cannot  bear the sense of lack of control, to leave my lie to other's choices, even if the Being choosing is perfect and almighty. I wore off my scapular for the first time in a rea...