An oniric insight

These days life has been fundamentally grey; I tried not to indulge in my bad habits but it was impossible; the rumination and  the pain alongside the work frustration made it real hard to. 

Still, I managed to pull something out; a last stand, a brink of hope, a reckless way out from my crippled state. And it came in a daydream. 

Basically, the last correction at the podiatrist made me realize that we were correcting the very same insoles that fucked me up, so if only I could analyze and reverse the changes made or find the original shape of my feet, I could go back to a prior state of affairs. Lucky me I didn't throw away the original insoles, as I had a remembrance popping out of a prior podiatrist telling me that said insoles were pure shit, supermarket ones with some cork glued to them alongside the shape of my feet.

I found them, pulled out the cork (and kept it just in case) and tried the insoles. It felt good. 

Today I picked them up again; I had some weird sensations, but the overall feeling was of changes and general relief. Let's see how does this develop. In any case I will inform the doctor on july 15th if needed. I feel like this might be the end of the road.

I cannot wait to take back what was mine, to get in shape again, and to learn how to box, since I've grown to love the sport during this time.

As for the spiritual side of all of this, someone who is now giving me summer guitar lessons related to traditional music in my area (a way to preserve it) told me that I was there at his very first mass, and he felt like it was destiny, as we reconciled there after many years. Afterwards, I met my priest friend, who greeted me kindly but shortly as it was somewhat late for a thursday night.

I have stopped praying in a way. I still feel void. I even have doubts about the institution after Leon XIV excommunicated the FSSPX, the ones that are trying to preserve the real mass, music and tradition of Christianity. Now that I am considered somewhat of an heretic myself I might as well get back my sketchy studies. Death is a card of change after all.

My inner world has shut, now endless doomscrolling induced by pain and  a sense of defeat full my days.

I need this new spark of light.

I feel like something within is different right now, that I am less alive, with a lesser creativity or will to do things.

Still, tomorrow is yet to come, and that's all that matters.