What does someone need to be born again

 After talking with a friend of mine, I discovered that the root of all my anxiety has never come from dire economical factors but from a lack of trust in myself and my own capabilities, and I want to sit with that.

 Since I was a child my parents were overprotective, and always called me names and all that whenever I failed at something or didn't match the expectations they put onto my shoulders; I remember being terrified as a kid, even to plea while kneeling to a teacher to not make me show my parents a note they would have to sign which said I forgot to do homework, or when I had trouble with school subjects, or how, when I was bullied, they just told me to grit my teeth and find a solution myself. I can even recall one time when I was 10 years old where I played sax at a Red Cross site for a music school event and I was so nervous that I fucked it up and they, logically, spent all the way home telling me how shitty I was and how the other kids were better than me. I was never enough. Not even now, in an adulthood full of conferences and book chapters and court victories, I managed to get them to respect me on a face to face situation. My opinions are discarded most of the time and they don't get me serious (especially my father).

All of this has built upon me a great resentment towards life and an uncontrollable desire for control, and for more, in general. I want to take the future by storm because I've been living chained; even me being a freelancer is a consequence of my parents not willing to support me when, at my master's degree, some great person wanted to have me as a trainee lawyer. They needed me to work for the greenhouse, so there you have it.

Also, they never took responsibility of their mistakes; yeeting me out of my house for willing to be a musician at 16, mocking me after a suicide attempt, and even telling me horrible stuff when I was ill and unable to move, in need of private medical treatment.

Of course it's not all bad, but I think that I need to put this down on paper for the first time ever to release it. They tried their best, they worked their asses off, but they also scarred me.

So,  all of this, made me willing to seek approval outside, since I wasn't able to love myself, and when I got sick, everything I've built until that moment crashed. I was so fucking depressed and overwhelmed that I clinched onto dopamine sources, and then the dopamine seeking and the weight gain started. A failed musician, and now, a crippled, both physically and mentally.

I gave my all during all these years to survive, to do whatever I was supposed to do; I worked like a madman, and I achieved things, but those weren't enough. And I am afraid, as I do not trust myself.

I now have some savings, not a fortune but enough to cover a full year of expenses plus possible major events like having to change the fridge and so on, and yet I feel anxious, I feel horrible when the numbers in the bank account go down. Even now, I feel guilty if I go eat outside with my friends or my fiancée. 

Until now I didn't know why, but yesterday my friend helped me realize: I wasn't afraid of current scarcity, but my incapability to get more money/work in the future. Basically I do not trust myself, even with all the evidence I have, and whenever those thoughts come by, I eat or seek dopamine, because that's the answer I've self-learned to regulate instead of trying to drug myself to death or self-harming.

Now that my body is willing to work again, even if it hurts and the recovery will take time and maybe some treatment and adjustments are needed in the future, the mind is the thing to fix next.

My faith was me trying to be saved by Someone who wasn't willing to do the hardwork for me. Maybe this is just character development, maybe I will need this in the future to help others, who knows.

Still, now I have to start believing in myself as a competent and adult person, I have to accept that, even with flaws, I am doing good, and while I cannot stop yet, I've accomplished many things, and everything will work out, or I will die trying to make things right.

The stubborn person I am is a product of a profound desire of freedom, and an even more profound fear to said freedom, as I won't have a safety net.

Next saturday my fiancée will finally come live with me and I will live separately from my parents; even if they will be there if something major happens, it's time for me to grow up.

I will keep training, it's helping me a lot, and also will pick a new name for this period of my life, something like Lorgar Aurelian, that guy from WH40K that didn't surrender when the Emperor of Mankind humiliated him for his beliefs so he sought other gods that would listen to him.

I want to break this cycle, I do not want to be like those people who say that they will change  and then they keep living the same frustrating and depressing life. I need to break the eggshell, develop my wings and fly, I need to be born anew, to conquer these remembrances and the fear and trembling they hold. 

I am the byproduct of generations of fighters, descendant of phoenicians, heir of the sun, dweller of the desert, son of his fatherland.

I am.