The sun rises again

It's been a quiet week. Not in the literal sense, as I had a lot of anxiety due to the law firm and cases that needed solutions and last monday I injured my neck due to bad posture and a 11h + working schedule (which I won't ever replicate if it's not a life or death situation), but in the inner one.

 Just having to go with the flow, working on little things and having a "normal life" for a zoomer who started his little bussiness 20 months ago is truly relaxing; no greenhouse, waking up early but not super early, no physical pain for the most part, getting back to my daily rosary and being able to use internet as a conscious mechanism to kill time rather than a necessity feels real good.

My relationship with God has quieted, the struggle is real but now only regards the usual struggle for someone my age; the pain is still there, the shoe insoles haven't arrived, the college didn't call for me to work for them yet, but I can only wait and keep working which feels nice.

I had an issue related to who would I be without this titanic struggle, without the illness as a defining trait, and, truly that is something I will have to work on and resolve, because, at the inner level, I feel renewed, but on the outside I still have the scars of depression and illness, and I want to change that.

As for who I am, yesterday I met with a group of friends I have (we just meet every blue moon but there is that) with the difference that I made to talk to someone I kinda screwed up with when I was younger and then other guy who knew me at the 18 y/o self. I had a really good time, I apologized for some things and I was capable of enjoying just chatting and being a silly goose. It felt really good.

I am really excited to get to live with my fiancée. Pops and I are already making some changes to the house and I am really happy about the results. Great changes are coming, and I am willing to welcome them. 

It seems that life is just this; going with the flow, endure the hard parts of it and harvest the fruits of the effort we made.

The faith crisis and the identity based on being the crippled guy going through his character arc are almost over. I'm glad.

Now I have to take my own body back by storm; I have to rewire myself about dopamine, anxiety control and alimentary habits, as long as reintroduce physical activity on a more regular basis besides sunday workouts. Let's see if the insoles do their part, so I can do mine.

I will start with the food thing tho; binge eating as a coping mechanism has changed me,a and I cannot bear to be a slave on this regard.

Also, I was able to visit my grandparents today. No phone during a whole hour-ish of small talk and being silent at some points. There is that. 

It's almost time for mass now. I have to get dressed to go and greet my priest friend.

The dark night is over, now it's time to wait for dawn. 

 

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