Fearing the behemoth while the ordinary came back

 Life has become calmer now; no greenhouse, little work from the law firm besides some paperwork and clients here and there, I don't have any congress in the foreseeable future nor book chapters to write and articles are a thing I'll have to worry about from july onward.

Also, the spiritual crisis got solved (?); I have no clue about where I am, but I feel at peace. I don't exactly belong within the Church's framework but I feel like I belong somewhere, and that's a good place to stay, plus I feel like I've reconciled with many things. As for God, the tension is still there, I still don't know what is He nor how or why does He act, but still, it's like that's not a problem anymore. I have to rely in my own capabilities as long as I cannot command to make it rain fire, and I think I've made a comparison as to an earthly father preparing his son to face the world; sometimes He's got to be cruel or let things happen, or he just can't prevent us from taking decisions or doing things that will harm us. Whatever, my mind is not onto that. I enjoy being in the presence of Brother Sun and Sister Moon, and for now that must be enough. Clarity will arrive whenever it wants to arrive. The thing is that the tantrum passed and while I'm still not comfortable with the current state of affairs, I think that the Carmelite way is the closest to my tradition and personal heritage, so I should honor that. God will do it's thing. I guess. 

 With all of this being said, there is something that bugs me, the Phd. I have the capabilities to write a book chapter in a matter of days, but when it comes to it, I see it as a behemoth I'm trying to avoid. It is a massive project, and while I've been working on it either directly or indirectly, it's like I am unconsciously avoiding it, like I've being mentally challenged by a never ending chore. I will take it back on monday, step by step, trying to set small goals, but still, this whole week I was incapable of doing so. Instead I worked at the law firm's website rework, something mesmerizing as I was able to change it finally to my liking with precise and imaginative changes that made it look top-notch; enhanced blog posts, responsive buttons, reworked sections, etc, and it was so satisfying because I would get to see an immediate result regarding the matter at hand. I had the time of my life, so much fun and even I got back my "obsession" perk (when I get obsessed with a concrete goal I put my everything onto it, working many hours without resting and even forgetting to shower or eat).  I think I have to find a way to make the thesis feel similar.

 Regarding everything else, nothing much happen. This time there is no big philosophy, no mourning, no spiritual fanfare, no desert elegies.

I returned the water heater and bought an stainless steel one, God is still silent, and I'm just trying to strive for a better tomorrow while trying to understand myself and failing to become a responsible non-procrastinating persona. I need to get my shit together, to start getting consistent. Willpower is a myth, so I will start small. Tomorrow I will do my bed.

The only big thing happening soon is my medical exam on monday. I'm starting to think the things I want the therapist to check and what to take notes about. Tomorrow is gonna be funny. This, alongside the medical review I have on may 15th are the highest chance I've had for a full recovery in a really long time. My spirits are high, I have total trust that this will be it, that I will be able to break free from this curse and use my whole self towards taking the future by storm.

Regarding this issue, I will visit the holy souls I have near to my house; there is a local folk tradition that you can trade favors for offerings, many people go there daily and there is a huge respect towards their chapel. I don't care if its within the Church's frame or not of if it's considered silly.

My ancestors went there for blessings, and so will I, seeking their companionship in this great opportunity to take back what was stolen from me. 

 This will be it. I swear.