Ascension thursday

 Today is May 14th, ascension Thursday, and the day before my life potentially changes for good.

It was a regular day, a client called, I did some paperwork, I dot anxious about an unsolved procedure I have to figure out not knowing how, etc. I also went to mass, waiting for my priest friend to bless me, which he did, using the ancient latin rite. 

After that I went home and played a little bit of Crash Bandicoot at the new laptop using a PS1 emulator. It reminds me of my childhood and like to revisit the original trilogy once in a while. My favorite was Crash Bandicoot 2. I remember going to some elders' house as a kid and spending time with them with my grandma, and telling them about Crash; the plants, the river levels, the ice levels, etc. I spent the afternoons my parents let me playing it and some other pirate games as there wasn't money for real copies as I was an outcast.

I had to change school 4 times because I was bullied; when I was 2 years almost 3 I had to take my milk really early at school because my parents had to work at the greenhouse. I always felt displaced as I grew up with elders and everyone said I was gifted. I remember teaching how to read to a child when I was 4, her name was Gloria.

How time has passed, how much did I change, how much did the world rot, and how bright is tomorrow, as if someone could take it by storm, perchance, someone who doesn't know how to surrender.

I've lived my life as an outcast. I've accepted that I am not for everyone, that I have strong temper, I am stubborn, and yet, I've found people that loves me and cares about me that way; intense, emotional, distorted and dissociating at times, naive at some topics. 

I am not exactly proud of the things I've done nor the person I've become, but it is what it is.

I visited the Holy Souls. I made my bargain. I am waiting patiently for God to show up, not through storm, but a still, small voice, able to guide me at the medical appointment to say the things that are needed and find the correct treatment.

Arise and eat young Elijah, for the time has come and the travel will be hard. Embrace yourself. Trust that the fire will fall. Do not panic, do not shiver. Don't be nervous. Trust, even in defiance, even in anger, even in hate. Trust.

Let's see if the Blessing, finally, comes.

 

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The inner castle has no parish

The reason why I became a christian, alongside the ones previously exposed yesterday, was due to me feeling it was true, that Truth was present there. And I use "feeling", because sometimes human discernment goes beyond reason. I was interested in philosophy and knowing how the world works since I was a child; I remember myself devouring books at the public library, and eventually buying then with the spare money I had from birthday presents and working at the land. I read Hesse, Camus, Dostoevsky, Nietzsche, Plato, Rothbard, Hoppe, Borges, Kafka, Mann, Seneca, Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus... all the big guys, because existentialism was kinda my thing and stoicism seemed interesting.  The thing is that I always felt that what they said was incomplete to an extent or poisoned even. Just look at Kierkegaard projecting his resentment towards his own bad decisions on God, Abraham and Isaac in "Fear and Tremble". After being "touched by grace" for the first time,...
Read more

Elijah and depression

From 1 Kings 17 to 2 Kings 2, the Bible tells the story of the Prophet Elijah ( Helias ) the Thesbite. The first thing we know about him is that he proclaimed to king Ahab that there wouldn’t be more rain and then, leaving everything behind, followed the Lord’s command and went into the middle of nowhere to be fed by ravens and drink water from a torren in Carith, and later on to be taken care of by a widow, whose son was resurrected through God’s intercession as Helias mourned his death. Some time after these events, we find Helias in the Mount Carmel facing the children of Israel and the prophets of Baal and proposing to them to call the names of their gods against the Lord. “ Invocate nomina deorum vestrorum et ego invocabo nomen Domini et deus qui exaudierit per ignem ipse sit Deus” “Call ye on the names of your gods, and I will call on the name of my Lord: and the God that shall answer by fire, let him be God”. After the prophets of Baal started...
Read more

Today I visited my grandparents

Today I went to visit my grandparents. I like to do so at least once a week as they are somewhat old and I want to enjoy them as long as I can. I went in and gramps was sitting on the couch, quiet, calm. Gramma was out, so it was just the two of us.  At first I enjoyed it; the feeling of "silence", the time stopping, the sun getting through the windows. Some small talk here and there, and nothing else. However, that feeling of calmness didn't last long; I started to get anxious, and was incapable of dealing with silence, so I started checking my phone. It wasn't uncomfortable, it wasn't weird, on the contrary, the overall sensation I had was to be at a safe space with someone who has seen me growing up but to whom I have almost nothing to talk about, and it's not necessarily a problem. I was, in fact, tranquil, but at the same time, I wasn't capable to enjoy it, I needed some kind of stimuli. I've been trying to look inwards for a while now; the inner ...
Read more