Thoughts from the dawn

 The fact that these entries have become a weekly thing instead of a daily one is both a good and a bad thing; it means that I am no longer losing my mind and descending to madness, but also that I have less energy or time to stop and write, or less things to say.

This month has been good;  I got some good clients' money, I managed to close some cases, I spent time buying this for my future home and went to see my fiancée while I play some guitar and summer comes in. And yet, I feel restless.

This week I received some court papers and I got the anxiety wave of my life; it was nothing like I've ever faced before; I couldn't sleep, I had a deep noise coming out of my head and I woke up several times jumping and being alert, like if I was about to be killed. The morning afterwards I had to face it and provide a solution to it, a solution that will be tested at court next Tuesday.

This traumatic event made me realize something; I don't have what it takes to be a lawyer. I am not talking about the mental capacity, but rather the personality. I cannot lie to clients, I get mad if I don't find a solution for something and it gets to depend on someone else. I don't want to be told other people's shit, specially when their problems come from being fundamentally braindamaged or evil, or just unlucky.

I never wanted this responsibility, nor the constant fear of being sued back if I fuck things up, even if it's not my fault.

Being on my own doesn't help either; if something goes wrong it's all up to me.

I hate it and it makes me restless. Not only I have to find the clients and bait them into hiring me for their case but most times I have to perform like a demi-god. And then there are this retards who call me and then get surprised when they see me open the door, expecting "the real lawyer" to come and greet them and I'm like why don't you just go fuck yourself only to tell them to come in with a smile.

I am a scholar. I can be charming, I am funny, I am sarcastic, full of irony, genuine. 

But I am not a salesman.

I've never felt truly comfortable with the lawfirm; I didn't have a "training" as a trainee as no one wanted to hire me at my hometown and I didn't have the money to keep working where they wanted to hire me. If I spent 2 years in a lawfirm getting milked, I would be in such a different position, I would have seen lots of cases and provided solutions to them with the help of someone more experienced. But that didn't happen.

So, most of my work as a lawyer comes to go and check the law, get mad, check again, get anxious, and bargain with other lawyers for advice. Advice that always comes with a price. In my field no one wants to help, and most people doesn't even know how to help; the amount of mediocrity in my field is monstrous, and those people seem to always get the easy cases.

I'm tired of not having a helping hand; someone who genuinely would like to teach me and help me becoming a professional, one proud of his work.

And don't get me wrong, I try my best when it comes to my job and the cases, because I bear the burden and give my all, but it's draining and tiresome. I learn due to mistakes and anxiety, which sure is an effective way, but not a sustainable one.

I'm tired of having to share benefits, of not having someone I can rely on.

And while this is something that has been tormenting me for a while through it's manifestations (pushed by the health issue) as binge eating and compulsory phone usage.

I've come to realize that I am terribly depressed. That I need to either man up and just ride the tide until I conquer it, or to give up, which, honestly, doesn't sound as bad if I get my college job first. 

I just want some peace and quiet, to be able to share all this frustration and anxiety and fear without feeling judged. To be free to be understood and helped. 

I cannot do this alone, not the inner nor the outer work.

And I am able to fully externalize this because the load of the health is being lifted, slowly, and about to be pushed away for good (or so I hope), because now that the main issue is gone, now I can see what was underneath.

I am out of ideas. I have to endure, but I don't want to be warped during the process. 

For the quieter inner self and the slim outer self to come back, I have to sort this out.

It's time to become an adult. Thing is I don't know how.