Looking inwards while fire might rain outwards.

 Two and a half days remaining. Today the new pc arrived. 3 new clients since the page dropped. The SEO is working, the page is doing its working, I'm earning money, the PhD is, slowly, closer to an end. The choir is choiring. The friends are friending, the Church is churching, and God is Goding. My fiancée is coming in less than 3 weeks.

Then, why am I feeling so empty? 

I have no clue.

These days have been an oportunity to think about myself, about the person I've become and how the law degree and the illness have fundamentally changed me, and if I like the current state of affairs and what it cost to be herein.

Truth is, that while the prospects of earning money are good, the responsibility isn't, and I don't really want people telling me their problems, nor to bear with them. I have enough by my own. I don't strive for a great income, even when I do like what it does represents (success/excellence) in the old town's mindset. I just want a quiet life being silly with my loved ones, some plants to cultivate, animals to nurture and eat and a peaceful existence. That has been my dream since I was a kid, and later music came by, and left.

I look at the person I've become; kind at times, severely jaded, introspective, somewhat reflective and desperate for finding meaning to a bothersome existence. I never cared about a PhD, I didn't knew what multiculturalism was. All I've ever wanted was to recreate my little haven.

I know this is childish, and yet.

I had to put myself mythical shoes to keep going on; pulling up the rock through the slope like Sisyphus, bearing like Atlas, suffering like Job, wrestling like Jacob. Those are the costumes I've been wearing to endure the lack of meaning, even the christian one.

In reality none of that matters. I know that its just me and my current circumstances and that if life doesn't go my way there isn't much I cannot do about it besides keep the struggle up because the alternative is suicide. The pt hasn't written the medical report yet, and I'm starting to doubt she will.

I call down the memories of the friends that came along the way and followed their paths, the memories from a kinder world, to comfort me while everything rots.

The Hades took away, and what was left was enough for the world, but not for myself.

I'm depleted of fortitude, there is nothing for me to wait if this time things go my way, or if I will have to face yet another chunk of my life being fucking crippled.

Just three more days until I either face fire or desolation.