Surrendering is an act of fortitude

Today is the second sunday of Easter. I came home from my sister in law's house as I spent the weekend with my fiance buying stuff for our future "rented" flat and planning.

I've noticed some changes since the last time I wrote a post. The first one is that silence became "quieter" at times, if that makes any sense; on friday I attempted to go to work without headphones at all and I kinda lost myself on my thoughts and light conversations with my father. The heat, physical effort and the chip of the birds alongside the feeling of fulfillment that inevitable comes with land labor were more than enough. Also, something similar happened with my fiancée. My need for stimuli was lower and I was able to be more present, even if I was a little uncomfortable at times.

 I think this is something I have to get used to, not willing to expect a massive change but rather incremental improvements derived from effort and trial and error. Silence is more fair than I initially thought. There is a wide margin of improvement and a personal need to palliate the recoil that it has in terms of "dopamine hunger", but there is that. I am happy about this.

So, this afternoon, after doing some chores and little improvements around the house, I decided to go to mass; I didn't wanted to, but I have to give bad news to a client tomorrow so there is that.

The thing is that I had the chance to talk a whole hour with my priest friend.

I told him everything I was going through; not being able to enter myself, being bored at mass, fighting with pain, the resentment towards a God that constantly shows me how much of an impotent fool I am, that I was grieving due to the current state of my faith and a Church that believes in a Living God but is essentially dead.

And after a pleiad of reasons and words and attempts to put my feelings and my soul into words at the verge of emotional collapse, he told me that all that was great, but that I needed to truly will to surrender in order to advance forward a millimeter. And that hit me hard.

Because I never really tried to surrender seriously; I had moments where things were going smooth and I said "let it be thy will", even in some moments of muscle pain, but those were punctual. I need to beg for surrender, so I will stop resigning eventually.

I do not need to know, I do not need to understand, I just need to be, love and do, everything will come alongside afterwards.

This will be an herculean job, and I do not know if I will make it, if I will have the fortitude, the Trust, nor how much time will it take, but this insight has shown me the way to go, and that's an immense help.