The bootleg Samsara of the academy and stagnation

 Yesterday I had to do a presentation in an international law congress at a college.It may sound like the big thing, and I pretend it is when it comes to relatives and people in general (it's a great way of advertise myself as this sort of intellectual-elite guy), but in reality they are really close to friend's gatherings and fires of egos (hogueras de vanidades). No one listens to anyone, the big fishes are away from the small ones, and if you do not know anyone (that wasn't my case this time, fortunately), you are pretty screwed because most people do know each other and the friend's groups are usually formed except for the outsiders.

So, I went there, did my thing while people were doomscrolling, got a few pics from a friend and I then disconnected, as I had zero interest on what the rest of the people that usually goes to those sites have to say, since they go for the bare minimum, read the law, circle about the same themes or just puke words out of their mouths full of teeth. 

I hate to go to these places, but I need to in order to do "networking" and shit, because if no one knows you, no one will call you, and that means no job opportunities at private or public colleges, no collaborations, etc.

After that parafernalia, I went home, realizing I didn't have the economic strength to go to a congress I was accepted to (with a book chapter). Buying things for the house (fixing), realizing I would have to maintain myself and the scarcity of economical stability in spite of all my efforts and formation, made me stop and sent an audio to my thesis tutor telling him some things that were happening, so he could help me de-convolute.

Here I am, at the office, working hours, depressed, unable to do anything besides fees and prior paperwork. I cannot focus. I've had enough.

Yesterday's night I finally sent some messages to my priest friend telling him mostly of what I was going through, that I've stopped praying, that I am resentful towards life and God, that I may change paths if this living God keeps giving me stones instead of bread after so many years. 

He came to me with the "I shall want what God wants" shit, and I left him unanswered.

This puts me into a complex position, because either freedom of will is false and I'm just a pawn that has to adapt to someonelse's desires, or God is just absent, or ignoring me, or making a clown out of me. The thing is that I cannot unknown that He's real, but I am resentful, heavily, because I am supposed to ask and be given, not to rise my arms claiming for a rain that might manifest in 30 years or actually never.

I am not a mystic, I am not capable of "surrendering" towards a God that isn't even capable to show me something like He did when Job was accusing him at the verge of death. I've been through so much physically, through many months of pushing blood out my body, of uncertainty, of constant pain, of economical stranglement, of desperation. And my prayers have been unanswered.

So either He doesn't care or He's just different from what I believed He was; not a caring father but an absent one.

I might quit from all of this eventually. I am out of hope, out of patience, out of faith really.

This is it.