The silence has become an earthquake

 So the greenhouse season is over until mid july, and those are... news. On one hand, I have more time for the law firm and the phd. On the other, now I do not have a reliable source of income, even if it was little. I keep waking up early and working long hours, but still, as I have lost focus and my whole self has relaxed due to the lesser stress, I've come back to some thoughts as silence has become a comfortable place to stay.

These days have been a mixture of ups and downs; not much happened outwards, but inwards... it was like an earthquake; everything seems in shambles.

I remembered my time as a wannabe musician when I was 18; the lack of responsibilities,  having plenty of years and opportunities to find a path I felt attracted to. I was able to express myself through music, and I loved to go to big band lessons and listening to Coleman Hawkins "Body and soul".

Now all of that has vanished, not only due to the illness but to the passage of time and a rough position from my parents, who were heavily against me studying music as a career. The time I had to stop it for good, I entered a severe depression, which has left some scars within. Since then I wandered towards what seemed an escape from the life I was living, until I realized I was a prisoner of socioeconomical factors and my lack of fortitude to renounce to the safety net my family represented and getting a job, any job, to pursue my dream. This situation is entirely my fault. Me despising my job as a lawyer and the uncertainty of being a freelancer and not caring really about what I write about or do for my phd is just a consequence of my cowardness. And it still haunts me nowadays.

 I think I fucked up.

Of course the illness hasn't help either. And I think those two factors combined are what made me turn to God. And now that years have passed, that I have realized that no miracle will happen, that the world that I knew will be destroyed due to boomer greed, my body will not heal completely and I will spent many years pursuing chimeras, trying to replicate the will and wit I once have. 

I mourn, I yearn for I am working my ass of without an immediate return with a body that screams in pain and with a mind incapable of enjoying the mental gymnastics it's subdued to. I scream towards the skies for and answer, but only since happens. And it burns.

I think that I thought that through an inner discernment and being close to God things would be better; that I would be able to clown myself into endure. And this is the main reason why I don't understand what does surrender mean; I only know resignation.

I have thought through all my wit any possible way of getting out of this body torture, I've never stop seeking and trying, I've come back to music changing my main instrument. I am not capable of surrendering. I want to fight until the very end, to seek for an answer or a solution, even if it's full of hardships or it's a long term one same as a good position as a college teacher that would let me study music on my spare time. Surrender means to be ultimately defeated, to not be able to stand and bear with everything life has to put on oneself. 

I do not know the difference yet. I do not know if I want to follow up this path. I've stopped praying - nothing will come out of it-. I just want to rest under the caring arms of God. But that won't happen.