Thoughts from the greenhouse

Today I went to work to the family business as usual. I am used to wake up early and to put a lantern on my head to take advantage of the somewhat cold temperatures there are in my area, as the heat rises incredibly inside the greenhouse until the point where the humidity makes breathing a difficult work due to the air being substantially dense. I've been doing this since I was a teenager to cover for my expenses during summer vacations and more serious, like a real job, since I finished my master's degree, as I started a business as a freelancer and those things take time if you are not an extroverted person who is comfortable selling himself on online advertises like a buffoon.

There was nothing special, I went in, started doing manual labor, my father and I were both silent, and time started passing. As I normally do, I put on my headphones to listen to the radio and videos, I like this spanish program called "Sinfonía de la mañana", which is about classical music and stories or tales related to musicians and artists in general.

Then I realized one thing: I only listened to said program due to the fact of being working at the greenhouse, as for when I do not and go straight to my office, I tend to wake up slightly better and usually listen to my favorite songs and playlists directly. 

This may sound obvious, but I came to the conclusion of habits being a result of our environment and choices (as the person itself its still relevant even when the prevailing conditions are not under his control), and that explains a lot about what I am going through.

I've been thinking about this "fear from silence" for a couple days now, and I realized that all the habits and patterns I've developed are an answer my body created to palliate the current state of affairs. I have noise at home, so I counter that with more noise. I have anxiety towards the future, myself and my financial situation, I doomscroll among other things. Simple.

So what can I do? I do not know. Willpower is useless when it is not related to a profound change in oneself environment and current conditions, and that is not happening for now. 

After all this thoughts I quit my headphones and went straight for the silence, for almost two whole hours with punctual interruptions, which is a new best. And then I faced these thoughts, the reality I was in, and found out something interesting, while I thought I was surrendering to God's will and letting go of my desires of control, what I was doing was suppressing my disappointment with life and myself, the feeling of being jaded by the world, of being lied to, of having to adapt to illness and days of working 10 to 12 hours without a clear income correlation. I wasn't surrendering, I was resigning myself. I never wanted to let go the sense of control, I never truly believed that my own capabilities and effort wouldn't be enough to achieve my goals. And that's a problem taking into consideration what did I have written so far about faith mysticism and all of that.

I feel like everything is beyond my sphere of action, that the only thing God is letting me do is being an spectator of my own life. And everything combined is why I am not able to rest, at least completely.

I have no clue about how to solve this, I know that many people before me went through the same path, that the political and economical situation of my country is way beyond my might and that there are a gazillion variables I am not taking into consideration, even that I might be fortunate for some, that even biblical figures had something similar, but still, I do not want to surrender, I want a clear answer, I want to take the future by storm, I want even when I shall not.

I am tired of seeking for clarity among death saints.