We cannot mulligan the deck we are given

On the contrary to Ice Cube's song, these haven't been good days. They weren't as bad, but certainly not good. The immersion on the silence kept going forward, my body wants to escape from all the noise around me, and while boring, it's starting to enlight me in a way.

I tend to randomly remember embarrassing or dreadful moments from the past for no apparent reason; at first I was really anxious, but I've understood that those are irrational thoughts I cannot control, and, progressively, they are easier to get through.

Still, I've been able to realize about something really important; the reason why I cannot rest is because I've been despoiled from almost every inch of control over my life, looking at the big picture of course, so resentment is eating me alive and not letting me progress spiritually and physically. Let me explain myself:

As a somewhat gifted child, everyone expected great things from me, whilst I only wanted the peaceful life society seemed to be promising me; go to college, study something, getting a job and living a tranquil life. 

Then inflation came, immigrants and  politics destroyed the product of generations of blood and effort, and the dream wasn't there anymore. Of course there are other issues like not being able to pursue the career I originally wanted, the health issues and the frustration of having a narcissist chromosome archipelago as a sibling among others.

So, life put me in my place, one that clarifies that I do not deserve anything (which is true) and that the world is ruled purely by luck and contacts, not personal effort for the most part.

The will to take the future by storm, that I inherited from my parents and grandparents, the very fuel of taking the bull by the horns and create my own future, banished the very same day I wasn't able to walk normally anymore, and from that point onwards, it only got worse.

So there is that, I have a fiancée I love, some friends I talk to from time to time, the capabilities and time to create and play music through many ways and instruments, a promising inheritance. And yet I feel miserable.

I feel miserable because I didn't fulfill the expectations I set for myself, the bare minimum of personal achievements I thought it would be enough to achieve the state of a peaceful and even boring existence I desired. I don't feel like a man, but rather like a crippled child who is unable to do anything relevant on his own.

And that's what burns, that the cards I've been given for life are good, but I cannot stop feeling miserable, even when I know there is people going through some tough waters right now.

There is no second chance, there is no thing as free will if the only thing I can do is endure what other peoples and even God Himself have prepared for me. There are no more cards to pull, no way to shuffle nor mulligan. And I hate that.

I hope someday I can make peace with all of this, now that I'm being honest about it.