At last, surrender

I am writing these lines in terrible pain, yet my spirits are high. Let me explain myself.

This week a lot of things happened, being the most important one that my body collapsed. Yet again. It's been a while since the last time it happened. Still, I decided to find a solution so I asked the podiatrist for a new appointment, and she received me. 

To start with, this time I wasn't charged a dime, which was a good start. And then she told me about the actual improvements that the insole correction brought, that are many, and that are bringing me closer to a final solution. Really close it seems. So, in my calculations of someone desperate for fire, I forgot a little detail; changing my way of walking and the weight distribution to my legs and back would obviously create an issue, and as the changes implemented were quite a few, the result was me screaming like a rat, but closer to my goal. This pain shall pass. The body needs to accommodate to this new-better-but-still-not-right posture. I am one step closer to full healing.

Still, I managed to pull through the week; I participated in yet another international congress, I went to the office and assisted a client on an intensive 30+ hours of work in 3 days while in pain. I did some yoga, I felt better, I went to the choir, in pain. And I reconciled with someone from my youth, whom which I had the opportunity to help and counsel yesterday until 4:30 am sitting in a bench under the starry night. I've grown immensely strong, at least in terms of volition and stubbornness. This makes me so happy.

The thing is that yesterday I was able to pull through another sound move in terms of my inner theology: I have limits, and I cannot control the outcome of things, I can just do my best and hope I make it; I cannot pretend to just do some hocus pocus with some formula to the Creator so He will listen to me after I bitch around. I need to do things and grow patience. My current situation isn't dangerous, this time I am not in there. Everything is mental; the pressure, the need of change, the urge to fight my own body. I just need to let things be while I push for what I want. If it's mine to take, I will do when the correct time comes. If it's not, I won't.

I think Jacob didn't take his blessing by force, but rather that he was tested, that he was proved to see if he was really willing to be worthy of it, and that's why the limp stood with him, as a  proof of the sacrifice he had to make.

I will never stop pushing, stop fighting, stop striving for a better and uncrippled tomorrow.

But I will try not to obsess with that.

God's existence and my worth won't be decided in a single moment, much less on command.

I just need to be who I am, someone who cares and is willing to become a loving and capable husband and father. The rest will come along, I am certain about it.

I am not someone with divination powers, but I am willing to trust that omen I had of 2026 being my year. So far it's been the best one in a while. 

Let the still small voice come, for I am willing to embrace it and tell it how much does this son loves his Father.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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