Thoughts from The Tower

 The Tower is a major arcana in the tarot context; it reflects God crushing false hopes and ideas so something true can grow out of it. The lightning that destroys the tower is so bright that it blinds the person, who think that they are in the purest form of darkness. The eye needs time to get used to it. To see through it.  Sometimes we need to get destroyed from our false ideas, our egos to get crushed, our lifes to be shattered into pieces, so something new can emerge. 

As for the other days tantrum, I still feel entitled about it. It is true that now, in a calmer perspective, I thought about the current state of affairs and, in spite of this inconvenience and pain regarding my right leg, I think I am actually closer to total healing than I was before the correction. As for the money, that still sucks, but I guess that it is what it is. I will get it back. The law firm is going good, clients are coming and I won last weeks procedure, in which the judge told me I was being (literally) ruthless, like a "shark", while the other lawyer was staying silent, overwhelmed by the abhorrent amount of data and analysis I did. I went there for the kill, and I did get it. I guess I do have what it takes, at least when it comes to arguing.

So, today I was listening to some guitar pieces; Death, from the Platero and I suite, which has become the most interesting discovery in this whole year and which I'm dying to learn how to play. I was doing so while being at home, with the fan on, the gentle sun coming through the window, fresh water from the botijo and me studying for another court procedure I have on thursday. This is not mine, someone paid me to do the court procedure as a substitute, but since I will go there with an old acquaintance and this will serve me as experience (plus the money is good and I have an excuse to visit old friends and my fiancée) I will try to have some fun.

Life is being good to me for now. I have an excellent phd tutor which I consider a friend, a loving woman, a source of income that is becoming reliable, actual chances of getting a college job as a teacher. 

I need to learn how to enjoy this peace and accept things that aren't under my control, which basically has been the theme of these writings since they began. But I've discovered something: I have a monstrous ego; like not in the material sense of it or not to feel superior to other people, but like a bizarre relationship with myself. I know my capabilities, I know myself, like really well, hence I get frustrated when things don't go my way or when I cannot control the outcome of things. I need to be able to look to my capabilities eye to eye. To not waste them, to not feel "inferior". To have the upper hand.

This is why the Tower is necessary. I am not saying that this illness and the outcome of my life as a constant restraint of my volition and a perpetual feeling of powerlessness against my own body and the reality that surrounds me orchestrated by the boomerwaffen  has to have a meaning, rather than, in this context, to not get suicidal, to become human, I needed and I need the Tower.

My faith has become something greater than the Old Man; it is a corpus, it is a part of myself, a system of values and motivations, my axis. It doesn't matter if He answers or not, because I cannot deny his existence, same as I cannot tell that the sky is not blue. I have been told about orthodoxy and all that, but in the end, to be free, to finally make peace with a God that won't listen to ultimatums but always has taken care of me, I must be one with my faith, to let it impregnate my whole self. God is something beyond my  comprehension, beyond anybody's, so I will stop trying to tame him and just life accordingly to knowing He's as real as I am.

Let these tranquil days come, let the healing arrive.

I have an appointment with the orthopedist on friday to address the new issues.

I think the Wheel of Fortune is on my side now.

Let's see if I have what it takes to become a Magician, to conquer myself, to become who I want to be.