Thoughts from within

 This week has been a conjunction of ups and downs; starting with the latest events, today I was recorded singing at mass with the choir on television, which was fine, except for the fact that we were fucking sweating our souls out due to the heat. Desert perks I guess.  

Yesterday I went to the beach with some friends, which*- was also nice, and later on I went to my grandparents house to have dinner and watch the bullfighting, but also to help grrampa go to bed, since he's not able to do so on his own since last week.

And basically during this week my body has been getting used to the new posture derived from the new insoles configuration. I think it's better than the prior one, and have to practice yoga on a daily basis has helped me understand my body more and also gave me time to focus on my body and the insoles themselves. I think I've come to something. The next check at the doctor is at july 15th, a day prior to the Virgin of the Mount Carmel festivity. Let's see if it brings any luck.

As my parents went away for vacation, I got to be alone most of the time. The pain didn't let me work full time so I had to just work on mornings. And I think I've become competent; recent court resolutions have proven me that I am capable, and the level of trust and confidence people seems to deposit on my is always linked to my capacity to be close and human with them. I still struggle seeking help with new kinds of procedures, but I guess it's part of being a newcomer in an endogamic field. I hope that by this time next year I will have mastered all of these common procedures that nowadays get me mad, and also that I have a reliable list of people I can ask when something doesn't go as planned. Economically this has been a gorgeous month; plenty of cases and money. I hope this becomes the new normal. I feel that finally all my effort is bearing fruit.

So, getting back to the week's development, during the first days I was uncapable of staying still, so I ate mostly bread and water/milk. I received a certification for my extraordinary results at music school. I honestly don't care that much about it now that I am 25 and all that, but it made me happy that this is the second year on a row that I receive it  (2 out of 2 actually) and my teacher, to whom I wrote a letter full of theology and blessings towards his close exams to become a public worker for good, was there, and we had a good time. I even brought him a couple SCOBY, as since not long ago I've grown interested in making my own food and nowadays I make my own food whenever I can (kefir and kombucha), in part because it's healthier, but also cheaper.

After those two days of remembering the old days of the crippled me unable to walk, grandma suddenly called to tell me go eat lunch at her house, and I obviously said yes, even when it meant a 15 minutes walk from home that felt like an eternity; like seriously I had to put everything out of me to just limp there after leaving the office and not be hunched through the way there nor the way back home. This was great because I got the chance to see them daily. It is true that I went in and ate like a beast while sweating, but I got the chance, later on, to talk a bit with them for a couple hours before going home, or just to stay with them and enjoy their presence, phone at hand, or not.  The thing is that gramps' health is now worse and I fear he might die soon. But that's not up to me, so all I can do is enjoying them without thinking much about it. It will come when it has to.

As for the rest of the week, in the constant parallel to Helias' life my own has become, I just ate, did yoga and sleep, while also reading some Warhammer books from the Horus Heresy. I didn't talk to my sister much, as basically I tried not to. She left me own my own except for a couple times, in which I tried to ignore her. I know that this goes against the christian moto of forgiveness and all, but I will not stand someone dumb and evil who called names to my fiancée and has basically tried to screw me with my parents and my business repeatedly, ever since I was a child. I decided long ago that I had no sister anymore, and currently have her blocked at every possible form so she cannot contact me except for phone messages and email. She represents everything I hate; performance, feeling superior, being materialistic, fake, a gold-digger, uneducated. I hope I get to not have to do anything to do with her soon.

Also I've noticed that my priest friend has ghosted me; he stopped answering to whatsapp and picking up my calls, so I guess my inner struggle felt too childish or out of tune for someone used to hang out with the rich-affeminated-cayetano kids. It seems that, once again, the Church has failed me, and that gave me something to think about.

As I've reported before, I feel empty; I have a loving fiancée, a promising career, I am intellectually gifted, I am loved and respected in my community, I am in touch with music and a crippled in the un-making. And yet I feel void.

I don't know where does that feeling come from, if it's from not being where I want to yet, if it's due to me being isolated in political takes that are hard to swallow like massive deportations and the need to get back to a consistent and cohesive model of society like the one I grew up with, the sense of meaninlessness and powerlesness, of feeling ignored by God, of being crippled, of not really feeling like I belong anywhere. I don't know, and this actually bugs me. I've found out that my destructive-anxiety driven behavior is linked to this feeling, and no matter the determination, I always go back to them when alone and feeling the pressure of reality crushing me.

I want to be like The Fool, but I behave like the II of Swords.

I've decided that from now on I'll live my faith on my own; I know that God is real, I am a devote of the Virgin of Mount Carmel, I've become friends with one of the greatest mystics of all time, but if the institution itself won't help me I won't go there anymore for now. Let's see what's out there for me to explore.

The idea of becoming a freemason has come to me again, but I will ignore it; existential Sysiphus-esque existential dread isn't worth participating in human sacrifices, but maybe the change of finding a good doctor is. I don't know, lets see what happens next.

 This is basically it. I've made it to grow, to be able to hold the frustration and the patience needed to bear with the pain of the insoles and the body, but not the ethereal one from the soul and the mind.

I will keep eating and resting until something happens. For now, it seems the best choice.