The Dark Night of the Soul

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
    Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer,
    and by night, but I find no rest.

Yet you are holy,
    enthroned on the praises of Israel.
In you our fathers trusted;
    they trusted, and you delivered them.
To you they cried and were rescued;
    in you they trusted and were not put to shame.

But I am a worm and not a man,
    scorned by mankind and despised by the people.
All who see me mock me;
    they make mouths at me; they wag their heads;
“He trusts in the Lord; let him deliver him;
    let him rescue him, for he delights in him!”

Yet you are he who took me from the womb;
    you made me trust you at my mother's breasts.
On you was I cast from my birth,
    and from my mother's womb you have been my God.
Be not far from me,
    for trouble is near,
    and there is none to help.

I am poured out like water,
    and all my bones are out of joint;
my heart is like wax;
    it is melted within my breast;
my strength is dried up like a potsherd,
    and my tongue sticks to my jaws;
    you lay me in the dust of death".

 I am defeated. Not in the mourning sense of mid june nor the angry cry of may. I am silent, in the middle of the dark. I feel depleted, powerless, incapable. I have indulged into the very habits I've wanted to change. I am limping. I am not even doing the very yoga that helps me recover. I just go to work, remember that I am stuck with a procedure no one is willing to help me with and go back home to eat and sleep only to wake up to a sense of raw void, of numbness.

Everything is quiet.

My faith has gone silent, the scapular became once again a mere trinket. I am killing time until something happens.

Today I didn't visit my grandparents, maybe tomorrow I won't have the chance to do so. Who knows.

I am lost, I have nothing to cling; comfort is brief and flees away. I feel like this is only a me problem and incapable to share it fully. 

I hate being crippled. I hate agonizing in pain. I hate limping. I've been praying. Nothing has happened. 

I wanted to assault Tomorrow by storm, and I cannot stand still. I wanted to pursue a life I wanted, I am chained to my circumstances and responsibilities. I wanted a caring God, and I got silence.

Again, the Sun shall rise again tomorrow. Maybe something changes, maybe I am finally heard and healed. Maybe I don't.

I am tired. I am defeated. I'm losing my inner fire. I just want this nightmare to end.