Heir of the sun

 So, after all the mold cleaning and the furniture moving and the painting and all, the house is almost over when it comes to major changes besides decoration to not live in the liminal space nowadays I call home. Thing is my fiancée had to move away for a while because we weren't able to live as things were; the bed we had wasn't enough for the both of us so we were dying of heat, and also the bathtub was going to be painted so we couldn't use for around a week. As she passed some important exam, she went with her parents, and when the new beds arrive and things settle down a bit she will come back again some days before going back to her parents' until her last exam. It is what it is; I have to respect her life choices as she has independent goals, so even when it bothered me at the beginning (I did a colossal amount of work to get things as ready as possible before she came), I understood that this wasn't something she planned but rather an unpredictable event that just happened. 

Thing is that since tuesday I've experienced what does it feel to be on my own; total and absolute freedom to do whatever I want at whatever time I want, but also total responsibility regarding house chores, fixing stuff and, overall, taking care of myself. Most of the time I've been cleaning and installing things as mosquito nets, a new wc, ... there are little things remaining, and I hope I can do them soon.

As for the experience so far, it is weird, as whenever I am not exhausted due to the work I'm putting into the house I feel a deep sense of calmness, but also, solitude. I am not sure if I like it, like I think if the flat had 40 m2 less I would be more comfortable, but whatever. 

Now the lawfirm is calmer; august brings peace to civil law practitioners, and except for a couple things I've been managing, I have little work to none work to do. This week I will have to go back to it at evenings to prepare a new book chapter before september, but I am at peace with it.

As for the guitar, these weeks of absolute madness made me left it stranded, and I want to pick it back starting today.

Regarding the body, everything is quieter; the jaw sound is still there and I have some lower body pain, but I'm sure these will fix eventually and rather soon than later.

Now, in the spiritual front, yesterday I went to visit my grandparents as it was gramps birthday.

I went there late in the evening, smelling as I had no shower at home, and I found gramps at the wheelchair watching bullfighting. Recently his condition has gotten severely worse, he rarely talks and when he does it's to tell me how pissed off he is about losing the strength at his lower body. Later on, I saw him at the bed, which is now under the A/C as the last time I went to visit I had to use a spanish fan on him because we were both suffocating and I told my father to change that. So, as I was saying, I saw him at bed, lying looking at the ceiling, blank stare, diaper on, cancer bulbs growing. He's literally dying in front of me.

I didn't know how to react, I never did since his condition severely worsened. I started speaking with granny about life in general (she told me about my father and his younger and working self) and I took a bath as they lend me the usage of their shower and went home as it was late.

Then, at around midnight, I was half naked in the kitchen preparing traditional stew for tupper-wares when I got this realization which started at the prior shower.

It is not something new, but each time I come through it I deepen on it: I am severely loved, and most of the time, by people who had to learn, clumsily, how to love.

I've been given a lot by people who were poor as rats, and even when I am also working hard most of the year, everything I've got, every chance presented to me, it's also theirs. Maybe I've been too harsh on them, maybe my younger self was way too focused on chasing dreams and principles, maybe they just wanted the best for me,  but what they wanted wasn't what I needed.

I am a heir of the sun, their sun, a flame that has been passing through generations, full of hopes, dreams, pain, frustration and perseverance, and now that gramps is slowly fading away, it's my turn to inherit his strength, not in the literal sense, but figuratively. As he is losing the will to live, my turn to fully enter adulthood and make the great push at life from my current age towards 40ish has to be re-fueled. It is the way for me to tribute all he did for me.

I hope this can get to him, as my mouth seems to shut. I am not able to tell him how thankful I am, nor about what I've learnt from illness. My theology only works when you have a tomorrow to strive for, hence it is incomplete; my surrender is fueled on a pride so full of itself that doesn't know how to just obey and accept things as they are. It doesn't work on people who need it the most, because will it matter to him if I tell him that when he dies he will be able to jump as a deer? Of course not. He's going through a depletion of the self through physical annihilation, and I have nothing to say in that regard; I went out of there through a bargain he's not able to make. I will pray for him, it is the only thing I can do besides visiting him while I can.

As for God, well, the other day, while I was cleaning some windows at the bathtub prior it was painted using bleach and a toothbrush, I was able to talk with a peruvian guy the person that painted my house had as a worker, and we started talking about faith and God. He started telling me about his travel from Perú to Spain (I always like to ask foreigners about what happened so they went 7.000 km away from their home), and how he feels utterly blessed for the life he has; full of struggles but also of chances and people who has helped him.

At some point, this person told me, amongst other things, that we should be thankful to God for everything that happens to us, not only the good but the bad, specially the bad, because, fundamentally, we are alive and there is a tomorrow and a today waiting for us. That simple piece of thought, which may resemble some newage self-help bullshit, actually made me think that I need to stop being as complicated, that faith is just an exercise of trust and gratitude and that consolations are a gift that has to be taken away so the soul can truly grow. This realization, of course, doesn't mean that I won't ever complain about the death of magick and the unfairness of the world and the usual stuff I post here, but I hope it stays for a while, at least until I go back to the samsara of full-work rhythm in september.

As for now, I am listening to some Joao Gilberto at the living room. I think I will go for a walk or read a little. Yesterday I was so exhausted that today I was just playing Pokémon White and I need to feel productive.

 Also I discovered that I love manual jobs. The other day I bought a giant jar with a water dispenser on it and I made a wooden support so I can easily use it to chug glasses of water and I enjoyed it a lot. Also, while cleaning is exhausting, time seems to fly; the other day I spent like 2 hours cleaning the fridge and I didn't notice nor wanted to use the phone nor anything. There is that.