Life goes on

A couple months ago, I asked myself in an entry here who would I be without suffering and harsh conditions being the fuel on which I was holding everything together (relationship, choir, music, phd, greenhouse, lawfirm, etc), and since the current state of affairs has effectively deleted suffering from the equation, I am starting to discover that.

I do not want to use a name that isn't mine anymore, but for the sake of not being doxxed I will not use my real name here, instead I will drop good old Gyro for good and pick up Shem, which is something I came up with looking the canaanean term for sun and their sun deity (Shamas). It is short and I like it, so it will be staying like this from now on.

Anyway, who am I without the struggle? I do not know. I think someone who yearns for calmness, who desires to drop all the bullshit he's got into and be a musician, no professionally, but as a really serious hobby in which I can learn to compose and create the same melodies that summon shivers upon my spine. I couldn't care less about money, the phd, the law firm; those are means to an end, and I've come to terms with it.

The anxiety that came from the law firm has significantly decreased, the greenhouse has become a shelter from the outer world where I can listen to the birds and see those little lizzards running away as soon as I get close to them. It is just my legs that remain. I've improved massively and I can have a normal life, but there is some leftover pain due to not quite finding the correct configuration for the insoles. Still, I am still trying, as I figured out a way of not getting charged by the podiatrist until I get the issue solved. It's a bit exhausting, but not as much as I thought it would be.

As for my grandparents, I've offered them the possibility of me cooking for them once a week typical dishes like stew or migas or lentils. It is the least I can do.

I am also surprised about my father; he's trying to contact me and reach me now that we live in separate houses - he calls me everyday, tells me to go visit him, he's invited me to go have lunch tomorrow after the greenhouse. I do not know how to feel about that; on one hand I like the idea of him realizing I've become an adult (sort of), but then I feel a bit off, like man you've had 25 years to try and do these kind of things. I guess there is always time to change.

The sky feels different; I am no longer seeking God to come and answer me on command, I am just living - doing the dishes, cleaning, doing laundry, cooking, etc, and while I learn to organize myself, little by little, I am fighting procrastination and tiredness. 

I think I said something like "I have less things to say whenever I feel at peace" and it's true; life is just happening; the days are peacefully the same, and I am doing whatever I have to do, and I like it.

Now there are no cosmic references, no Tandavas to start, no yugas to end, just me, under the very sun that nurtured me in the very land I grew up with. Just a man living his life. I think it can't get any better than this (if just my fiancée was here...).

Have I become a better person Teresa? Did I got closer to God? Have I changed or matured in all this time I've been waiting under the juniper tree to be fed? Has the angel arrived already and I didn't notice?

From now on I will just care about the important stuff: my fiancée, music, art, books, friends and my close relatives, and of course my body.

I hope I can finally put an end to the lower body series. In the meantime, I will continue living and striving for a less lazy/procrastinating/go-to-sleep-late-and-wakes-up-destroyed self.

Pax et bonum.